#42 WLFC Just a typical Friday night ex-orcism
A song journey & fire ceremony to release my relationship on the anniversary of our first date + hella signs from Spirit.
As soon as the paper caught fire, I bawled.
Under an Aries full moon for my Aries ex boyfriend, I felt the nudge to turn my Friday night into a release ceremony. An ex-orcism.
I didn’t make the connection of the zodiac fire sign until I was gathering my supplies. *But of course I wanted to burn something*
I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do, only trusting that the healing process would reveal itself. All I had to do was show up.
And well, did it ever. Whoa.
I am convinced I opened something that night with what I’m about to tell you.
I turned my mother’s back porch into a cave shrouded in night, with the only light coming from fire.
Initially I was dreading my parents being gone this week, the anniversary of the week I met N the waiter and went on our first date, but turns out, I really needed to be Alone.
Not lowercase alone, but the kind of Alone where it’s just you and God. Where you actually don’t feel alone at all. I’d been avoiding silence like the plague for about the past 3 months. Because the fear of loneliness was that strong. And yet when I finally sat down the other night under the stars, I realized how amazing it felt to just sit, close my eyes, and meditate. I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten that sitting in Aloneness is actually how you feel less alone.
Which brings me to this fire night.
It was my third night of deciding to sit in silence before bedtime, in lieu of distracting my brain with blue light.
I grabbed my journal, a pen, candle, lighter, N’s hoodie, and a bowl of water.
It was August 4th, the one year anniversary of our first date, the hottest first date of my life and one of the best days of my entire life. (For more on that see WLFC 3)
In honor of how FUN that night was, I felt called to play “One Kiss Is All It Takes” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lupa. It became a ballad to our relationship and truly encapsulated the early days so very well. He would always play it.
Much to my surprise, I genuinely started having fun! I wrapped his hoodie around my waist and just DANCED. The South Carolina night air was muggy, and I could feel my post shower wet curls drying with every twirl. *I would eventually need to take a second shower*
Something in you,
Lit up heaven in me
The feeling won’t let me sleep
Cause I’m lost in the way you move
The way you feel
One kiss is all it takes
Fallin in love with me
Possibilities
I look like all you need
Up next, we slowed it down to “Woman Go Wild” by Pixie Geldof, a crooning love song that I danced to while the beach wind whipped through my hair a few weeks after meeting N. A little exchange and I fall in love…I was in big trouble and I knew it.
When you look at me like that, you can make a woman go wild.
Taylor Swift was up next with “Lover.” As autumn came he officially became mine, and I was sinking into life with him. It felt so cozy, so warm.
Can I go where you go, can we always be this close?
Eventually my shirt came off because the sweat was rolling. It’s not like anyone could see me out here anyways, right? Nothing to see here. Just your normal suburbia shamanic evening.
I almost forgot about the song that I believe conjured him in, “Manera” by Ayelle, so that was up next. It was a Spotify find that I played constantly last summer leading up to meeting N on August 1st. A Spanish song that means “way.” Why do I say it called him in or that I intuitively knew he was coming in? Because he speaks fluent Spanish, says he was supposed to be Latin (lol), the lyrics really did fit us.
Si queremos hay manera (If we want it, there is a way)
As I was doing my best Latina hip rolls, I realized I hadn’t played the song he played for me when we got to his apartment that first date, “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus. “I thought you’d like this play-list. It’s 2000’s hits.” How sweet, he knew I was older than him and was absolutely right, I loved the playlist.
I’m not gonna lie girl, I didn’t play hard to get. The chemistry was too electric and the conversation too deep for me to stop myself. So, when I came out of the bathroom and that sexy song was playing, it was ON. Till 4am.
It's our party, we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can screw who we want
…If you're not ready to go home
Can I get a "Hell no"
'Cause we gonna go all night
'Til we see the sunlight, alright
On and on the soundtrack to our love went and I danced and sang, sang and danced.
Including the sensual Christmas song I played the whole month of December while I missed him so very tenderly and waited for him to come home. I always thought I was going to record him a music video to that song for next Christmas….
Some “Crazy In Love” the Fifty Shades version while I slithered all over the floor and blew hot breath onto the glass door. Followed by Joaquin Cornejo’s hypnotic “Soul in My Bones,” that had me whipping my hair and throwing my arms like a ninja as I let him go go go. And let’s not forget turning the side wooden table into a drum while I chanted affirmations to release him.
My dancing ended with a slower, meditative song that we once made love to. I remembered dripping down my thighs as I held eye contact with him in the mirror. Candlelight illuminating our bodies as he stood at my back. I remember how difficult it was for me not to say I love you. It almost came out, but I was determined to let him go first.
“It’s getting hard not to say those words,” I breathlessly whispered to him between thrusts that felt more like a trance. He wouldn’t say them for another two months.
I sat down with a sheen of sweat on my skin. The candle still flickering.
I wrote down 13 songs that felt like hallmarks of our relationship, and wrote a reflection journal entry of this day.
Then, at the bottom of the page, I tore off a piece.
I addressed him by the name he’s written in my phone. N @ (insert his apartment). Because when I met him I didn’t know his last name, and I just never changed it. Ironically, he had me in his phone as Alyssa (insert restaurant we met at) for the exact same reason. Neither of us ever changed it, so I signed the torn off note with exactly the same silly name.
In the middle was something short but direct along the lines of, “I let you go. I give this relationship to God. Thank you for everything. I love you. Thy will be done.”
The triumphant song “Reborn” by One Hundred Years playing in the background. Then, “Love Song” by instrumental genius, Garth Stevenson.
As soon as the tip of the paper caught fire and I saw his name ablaze, I bawled.
Oh, how the tears flowed. An ocean wave of grief rolling in to cleanse me.
Sounds escaped from my throat. It wasn’t cute. It wasn’t pretty. It was raw and broken and despair.
And just like that, I dropped it into the water bowl.
Ashes.
Off I went to bed.
The next afternoon I stood in the shower recanting out loud all the ways he didn’t treat me right. I stood there realizing that although he was wonderful in many ways, he really messed up too and has A LOT of healing that needs to take place if we’re ever going to be together. I stood there and thought, “I don’t even want him like this. Unless he comes correct, I don’t want it.”
So, I got out. And what song did Spirit put on smart shuffle? “Higher Love” by Kygo & Whitney. The very same song I danced wildly to on the beach when I first moved to Charleston post divorce!
And at what time was this? 4:44. The angel number of protection that I’ve been seeing CONSTANTLY, as of late.
I see you, Holy Spirit. I see you.
Except it DIDN’T stop there. Apparently I opened up a musical direct line.
The next day I was on my nighttime hot girl walk and a guy on a motorcycle comes through the neighborhood listening to music. He goes to the end of the street and turns around, but this time another song is on. And what song is that? “Thank God” by Kane & Katelyn Brown; the song I used to share my first ever photo of me and N on Instagram.
Oh, Spirit, you have a way with music, don’t you?
