#44 Healing with your ex in a parking lot
FREE POST: Why I went radio silent last week and a detailed overview of a soft girl era week. P.S. you're not pathetic.
“How are you?” N asks with a joyful grin.
I’m good, I say just loud enough that I can hear, but to him it probably looks like I just mouthed it. (More on that story below)
One thing is surely clear, I am in my soft, light girl era.
It’s a Monday while writing this, and one week ago I announced I would be releasing this blog as a story-based podcast on October 4th (eee!), only to go radio silent the rest of the week.
It wasn’t intentional, but I found I needed to go within. To reflect and introspect. A lot of tears needed shed. Apologies needing to be written. And there was that one night where I called my mom into my room crying while laying in bed. “I don’t know how to stop thinking about him,” I cried in desperation. I wished I could just close my eyes like Sleeping Beauty and wake up in a year, still looking youthful with “lips red as the rose.”
But then came Sunday and God moved my spirit after teaching Sunday School. Yes, I volunteer to teach Sunday School now - I am as surprised as you. Lol
Back to the parking lot…
I say to him, I’m good, with a gentle nod of my head.
My face is relaxed, and honestly, I really am good, not great, but I’m good, better, which is a step in the right direction. Something has..shifted, and I actually think I’m FINALLY letting go and letting God. Can I get an amen?!
We all know the rawness of heartache and yet the messy bits are often shrouded in secrecy for fear of looking pathetic. So, let me pull back the curtain and show you a week in my soft, healing girl era. Because, you’re not pathetic. “Grief is just love with no where to go.”
MONDAY - I release news that WLFC the Podcast is going live October 4th - yay!!!!
TUESDAY - N has unfollowed me. Ouch. The way that stung. I fire off a text to some of my besties. Can you BELIEVE him? If my texts could speak, they would be in a high pitched tone.
It feels like a stab in the heart all over again.
How can one person effect us so much?
Can you relate? I bet you can. Sometimes it’s the parent’s love we chase or the lover who can absolutely destroy us or make us feel like we’re Jasmine on a magic carpet ride.
The power dynamic between us and others speaks volumes. Whether positive or negative, if someone’s presence, actions, or words have the ability to derail you, they hold a certain power over you. And when deep-seated wounds take over, love becomes attachment, and in some ways, dare I say, idolatry.
It’s NOT to say it’s not real love, but sometimes our wounds are big and not fully healed, so we take something pure and use it against ourselves, usually unknowingly, until we pause long enough to introspect.
The good news? This can be healed.
Where you don’t feel a power dynamic at play, the charge has been eliminated. Like my ex-husband, it’s totally neutral when I talk to him. We’re friends. We good.
So, who are you giving too much power to?
Who are you unintentionally worshipping by giving them WAY too much power over your emotional state?
I know that’s perhaps a strange way of looking at it, but really, that’s what it feels like. When you’ve lost a job, been broken up with, or you finally receive that call from your dead beat dad, doesn’t it feel laced in validation if not kept within reason? It screams, please show me that I’m enough. That I’m loved.
“A person with a changed heart, seeks praise from God, not from people.” Romans 3: 29
WEDNESDAY - I do my morning devotional routine, 20 minutes of yoga and go to First Wednesday church service with my mama. N isn’t there, but his parents are. Odd.
THURSDAY - N will not agree to meet with me in person, which I’m not entirely surprised by because, well, my actions the last time we were in person together were disrespectful and clingy. So, can I blame him?
Nonetheless, God placed it on my heart that I had some apologizing to do (more on those BIG a-has in another letter), so I decided that the best thing I could do would be to respect his boundaries and leave a letter on his porch with his hoodie he gave me for Christmas. *gulp*
So that morning, I typed up a two page letter and signed it. I dropped it off at 2pm with his hoodie and a chocolate chip peace offering cookie, because the man loves food. I prayed hard over it. I cried.
“Finally, I’m giving you your hoodie back. I know it meant something to you, and receiving it from you meant the world to me before you left for Utah. I miss the way you smell. I’m crying as I write this because Lord knows I don’t want to, but I need to, so consider this my way of saying, “I’m letting go and letting God.”
And as I drove home, the Holy Spirit gave me a song I needed. It’s called The Commission by Cain, and although it’s talking about Jesus, I heard the message loud and clear: I've gotta go now for a little while. But goodbye is not the end.
I felt the conviction in those words, and I cried all the way home. So, did he read the letter? Keep reading.
That night I watched the Little Mermaid human edition with mom and cried some more. Damn, that woman can siiiing.
FRIDAY - I’m officially hired by Seacoast Church to help out with childcare when needed. Look at me putting my foot in the door!
By the evening, I skip my nightly walk with my mom and go to my weekly small group Bible study meetup. My Friday evenings just got hotter, y’all. The room is packed with at least 15-20 of us in a living room. Men and women. It’s reminiscent of women’s circles I’ve led only with God at the center. It’s a highlight of my week and I thank God for this incredible community He has given me so quickly. These people are expanders!
Here’s some of what I experienced in just that evening…
A man who spoke with utter elegance and precision randomly started singing the song “Hallelujah” with re-written lyrics he channeled from Spirit. The room was silent as this man poured out his aching heart while God poured into him. The worship leader makes us all chuckle when he’s finished, “Well, you’re hired! Consider that your audition if you ever want to sing in church!”
And at some point in the night, I let the group know how inspired I was. I told them, “I feel like my Godly husband is about to drop out of the sky! It’s so inspiring to be around all these Godly husbands and wives - I just need to keep rubbing elbows with y’all!!” I laugh audibly as I stretch my elbows out like chicken wings.
Then there was the grown man who cried talking about his controlling religious parents.
And another who got up and walked across the room to hug his fellow brother.
Let’s hear it for the vulnerable men!
In short, I was in awe. I went to bed at 2am after being one of the last ones there, getting sage counsel from three others whom I consider mature followers of Jesus. They asked me some big questions and applauded my self-awareness and honesty. I felt loved and seen, despite the fact that I tried not to share (luckily, they saw through my BS).
SATURDAY - I go to a church sisterhood river walk. My mom has again decided to join in. We walk at least two miles and I deepen my connection to my new sisters. Much to my surprise, one of the conversations is focused around psychedelics and another around beauty.
N’s mom is there and we catch up.
“He did get your letter. I don’t know if he ate the cookie, but he did say the letter was nice.”
I felt at peace with nice. That was enough for me. I had spoken my peace and that was all I needed to know. Then his mom asked if we would like to go to the downtown market. Hmm. Ok, why the heck not. We’re all adults here, right? So me, her, and my mom drive down together and genuinely have some nice girl time. I get a fresh squeezed lemonade and his mom buys gorgeous farm flowers. I have no idea if he knows about this rendezvous, but it heals my heart in a way I needed.
SUNDAY - It’s my day to volunteer at Sunday School so I wake up early to go to the 9am service for myself before serving in childcare at the later service.
I’m wearing my teal blue volunteer shirt that says “Love God, Love People, Have Fun.” I’ve got on big hoop earrings, white sneakers, and my baggy boyfriend jeans with giant holes in them that my parents openly do not understand. Jokes on them because I get SO many compliments on them! Even at church, so how about that!!
I sing and dance with a room full of 30+ kids to worship songs. I end up assigned to a table of eight kindergarten aged boys to teach the small group lesson to. We’re learning about keeping our promises like God does. I manage a little boy who starts crying out of now where, the sweet ones who always raise their hand, and the menace of the group who I happen to know has an absent father which totally makes sense.
We finish in prayer all together, and I am genuinely in awe that I’m praying with a group of eight little boys who are looking to me, the woman with the ripped jeans and long blue nails that they think look like witch nails. Oh, this sweet life that keeps changing. Soften my heart like yours, Jesus. I’M HERE FOR IT.
By the time service is over, I’m standing by the door as kids get picked up. I see N but I refuse to break my promise, after all, what did I just teach the kiddos? So, I don’t bother him. With the cookie as my peace promise, I don’t look his way, I don’t wave, I just stand there clothed in dignity in my teal shirt and talk to parents.
Finally, it’s time to go.
I walk towards my car and there he is walking towards his. An awkward meet up bound to happen. Great. No other cars are around. Just get in the car, Alyssa, I encourage myself.
I get in the car and turn on the ignition. Determined to keep my promise. But then, I see his window roll down. His gesture invites me to do the same.
“How are you?” N asks with a joyful grin.
I realize my cat eye sunglasses are on and he deserves my eyeballs. I lift them up.
I’m good, I say just loud enough that I can hear, but to him it probably looks like I just mouthed it. My head nods in reassurance.
“Thank you for the apology.”
I give a soft smile that says you’re welcome.
“No seriously, thank you,” he repeats himself with emphasis and I believe him. He read the letter and clearly my point was received with an open heart - prayers answered.
“It’s gorgeous out!” he exclaims in a totally N fashion, and I can tell Spirit is moving right there with just a single empty parking space between us. The space we both need right now.
I give a little laugh and wave goodbye as I see his dad getting in the car.
I drive away first and somehow that feels important to note.
A soft girl week in the books, and yet I feel stronger than I have in months.
So, what about you. Are you in your soft girl era too? Or maybe you’ve just come out of it? As I’m sitting here with my freshly done baby pink chrome nails, I’m embracing this solo season of life with a lot more sugar than spice this time around.
It’s weird, it’s a new era, but I welcome her with open arms. Because before I know it, another era will unfold, and I intend to soak up every bit of wisdom from this one first.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.*”
*In the NLT Bible version, instead of flesh it’s written, a tender, responsive heart.
The good news is this retrograde cycle had us going inward a lot for reflection and wisdom to move forward and leave the coulda woulda behind. Even better news? God’s timing is in everything.
Glad you got some closure!! I’ve been a bit lost myself was just complaining to my therapist about how I had wasted my teen years and my twenties by not making dating and relationships a priority and what if it to late, but she gave me a new perspective to sit with and think about so I am slowly coming out of my own little bubble!!! Excited for your podcast :)